New Yorkers Pissed Off as City ranks 57th in being Pissed Off

NEW YORK: New Yorkers were unanimously pissed today that the city ranked only 57 in the list of top 100 most angry US Cities, as published by Men’s Health Magazine. Orlando was ranked first, followed closely by St. Petersburg and Detroit. The general reaction to the finding was one of anger, raised blood pressure, and general road rage.

From the Men’s Health article,

Our search for evidence of urban anger began with the percentage of men with high blood pressure, from the CDC’s Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (as calculated by Sperling’s BestPlaces). We then factored in FBI rates of aggravated assaults and Bureau of Labor Statistics numbers on workplace deaths from assaults and other violence. And because rage and the road often go hand in hand, we also included traffic-congestion data from the Texas Transportation Institute, as well as speeding citations per state from the Governors Highway Safety Association.

“F*** those healthy men MotherF*****s” said taxi driver Stuart “Stuey” Rodrigez upon hearing the news. “They wouldn’t know an angry city if it f*****g hit them in the f****g face. Stop eating yogart and drinking evian and come uptown one day. We’ll be waiting for you. Orlando my ass.”

“Maybe Detroit has a shot at being up there,” said John Thomson, from his breakfast cart on 43rd street and Lex, “but to think that Nashville, Jackson Mississippi, and even Lubbock, Texas are angrier than New York? M*****F***** c**k s*****g sons of bitches. Who do they f*****g think they are?”

“I got your road rage right here!” said an unidentified driver on 33rd and 3rd before speeding away through a rapidly changing yellow light.  He narrowly avoided hitting an ipod-wearing mom pushing a baby stroller. “F**k Y** very much!” she replied as the retreating driver swerved around two taxis. He still managed to flip her the bird while talking on his cell phone.